So, I have a little guilty pleasure for spam mail. I love reading – and laughing at – the subject headings on them, especially with the penis enlargement ads.
I remember the first time I got a male enhancement e-mail. I was in the high school library – my first time there – and the librarian was showing me how to do something that required me to check my e-mail for a confirmation.
This lady’s looking over my shoulder the entire time. I had yet to receive the e-mail confirmation. But I did have one new message: “Viagara 40% off! Pleasure her all night!”
Little did I know I’d be pleasured for the next 11 years and counting, because they’ve only been trying harder and harder (no pun intended) since their debut.
So without further ado, I spent a rainy afternoon down a rabbit-hole of spam e-mail, and re-lived a few good memories…here’s the best of the best.
COCKZILLA is the word
The original lyrics to “Grease” no doubt. They must have nixed it when they realized “COCKZILLA’d Lightning” didn’t have the same ring to it.
Wonder pills for thrills
Among the hills. Desire fills. Won’t jack up your bills. Do you have gills? Take it easy, Shakespeare.
Crazy girls gone wilder
I don’t think “crazy” was a good word to use here. I saw this and immediately imagined a Tonya Harding/Casey Anthony sex tape.
So hard you can break an egg
The mechanics of this one are mind-boggling. The next time I’m in such a situation, I think I’m gonna put this theory to use and see if you CAN break an egg this way. Or submit it to MythBusters.
Hot Latinas banged by Germans
That just sounds like a lost chapter from my world history book.
Dreaming of a White Christmas?
I rolled my eyes at this first. Then I saw it was actually spam from Radioshack, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
You will love the results on your organ
Little does the consumer know they’re actually talking about pancreas enhancement here.
Boob jobs that look like these
So, this was from a sender called “Penis Growth Promo.” Frankly, I think this is one company that’s just spreading themselves way too thin.
And that’s all I got for now. Unfortunately, my spam folder auto-deletes occasionally, so I couldn’t dig back more than a few months. But if you’ve got any good doozies, submit them to me and maybe – JUST MAYBE – I’ll owe you a cookie.